I had the recent experience of being sedated for a procedure, and it caused me pause for thought. While it was temporary, probably not lasting more than thirty minutes it caused me to reconsider what I know of drug use and abuse.

I see many people on a weekly and sometimes daily basis who struggle with drug or alcohol addiction.  If I were to add in everyone who is or has smoked on a regular basis, the numbers would skyrocket.

I feel lucky that I’ve been “clean” during my life, but I think that really was more luck of the draw than anything else. In the small town I grew up in, drugs and alcohol were pretty much always available if you knew where to look- and in a town of about 800 people, it was easy to know where to look.

The people that I knew who lived this lifestyle were no one that you would consider looking up to- even at an impressionable fourteen or fifteen year old. Instead, they lived aimless and small lives, trapped by their drugs in a town that had nothing to offer in the way of treatment or advancement.

I was lucky though- I wanted out of that small town so bad and I knew drugs would trap me, so I stayed far away.

Like everyone else who moves to “the big city”, I met new people, exciting people. Really nice people who were experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and they were normal, just like me or even “cool” – not the disasters I remember from my early teens.

I watched as they smoked up or ingested, always staying back from the action, mostly out of fear of either getting caught or losing my one chance “out” of my childhood town.

It wasn’t easy sometimes, but I got fast with excuses.

Sometimes I felt like the dumb one, missing out of the chance to “expand” my mind, but other times realized my mind could only handle the reality around me

(and not even movies at times when my imagination got the best of me.)

I drifted from these people not through anger or out of any real intent,

merely because we didn’t share a common goal. I did drink and smoke at times, but never felt the true need to do either, and would go long periods without.

Twelve years of university and work filled my time, and I made friends with similar interests, non smokers and non drinkers for the most part by chance?

Sometimes I saw those around who used and they seemed to be having more fun,

but then I would see the aftermath, and it would damp down the green eyed monster of envy.

The fun times never seemed to last, and often got messier and shorter and the after effect longer and harder.

I see this a lot now- bad choices leading to bad outcomes for people who are kind and smart and worth having good things and good lives.

I hadn’t taken the time to examine my feelings on this either way, as it seems far removed from my core beliefs and values and those I know and love.

Until yesterday.

I experienced the most relaxing, deepest sleep and amnesia period that I can remember.

I remember the oxygen prongs going on, then I was waking up after, my first words? ” Wow that was great! What did you use?”  I think he said propofol/ketamine/midazolam, and I vaguely remember hearing I desated slightly, and maybe I was bagged for a bit. My response was simply “nice”

I felt pleasantly removed from the world, more relaxed than an hour of yoga and meditation combined.

But even as I felt relaxed,

I was so, so tired.

And that feeling is still here, hanging on, reminding me of the way my body can feel the chemicals slowing me down,  making me realize again how toxic people who ingest substances every day feel,

whether cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, or even excess food.

We get so used to how we feel that unless something changes we never understand the difference between health and disease.

So today I celebrate how good my body felt yesterday before the drugs, and look forward to tomorrow when more of the added chemicals interfering with my natural chemicals leave my body.

I wish that everyone could feel this difference.

I don’t know if it would help, but it does make me feel more compassion for those who don’t feel well.

Sometimes the best medicine is knowing what to avoid,

and being able to appreciate what makes your body feel well.