No one can put a statement out quite the way a stubborn five year old can. One minute an angel, the next a small and vicious demon child.

I entered a quiet house today, unlocking the door with my delicious rotisserie chicken and Diet Pepsi. 

(I’m trying to cut back, I swear)

The next thing I knew, two waist- high projectiles were attacking me, in various stages of distress.

Prying them apart and teasing out the story, it turns out the older one had stepped on the younger ones hair, then apologized. 

At some point in this turn of events, the younger had kicked the older one in the crotch and stolen their glasses.

I was a little shocked, 

and incredibly worried for the future of people exposed to her. 

When I asked her why she’d done it, she said she just 

“couldn’t help it. Sometimes I get so mad” 

with an intense, scary look. 

Then when she didn’t get to snack before supper, she said 

“this day is totally not going the way I’d like it to”

The entire night was variations on a theme of stubborn and hilarious. She’s so deadpan and droll, speaking with turns of phrases years above what I want her to say. 

The other day when I said she was a valley girl, she turned and said,

“I’m like, totally not a valley girl, okay?” 

Like she was straight out of clueless. And she’s not old enough to know what that even means.

Heaven help me from my way too old for her age middle child. She’s keeping me on my toes at five, fifteen is a frightening thought.

I don’t think I’ll be ready yet.