It’s Christmas Day and I’m up far too early. Jolting upright at 3:47, I get up, make sure Santa did come last night, and attempt to go back to sleep.
But my mind is racing too fast to be tempted by the warm blankets to allow a few more minutes of shut eye, so I give up at 4:30, reluctantly heading to find a source of caffeine.
I look longingly at my coffee maker, sitting idly near my mug. It still works, but my grinder is destroyed, having given its life in service of my needs.
Rest in pieces, dear grinder. You were an amazing asset, a real team player until the bitter end.
Your last few missions complete, despite the death screeching that warmed me of your impending doom.
Now at 5:26, I sit in my chair, tired, sore, feeling every bit of my age—yes, I’m “only” 45– and I wonder how many more Christmas’s will I see, enjoy, and remember.
10? 50?
Somewhere in between?
I’m haunted by the memories of those I’ve stood beside in their final moments. Trying to bring comfort when I could, and always,
always,
doing my best to see them, hear them, talk to the soul behind the glass.
I’ve watched as they began their journeys to a place I can’t follow.
Watched some transition easily, while other never quite made their peace with the reality happening to them.
I wonder how I’ll face my moment.
Not when—I think we all wonder when, in the darkest corners of our minds.
But how.
We speak of “good deaths” and “bad deaths”, but we all know one day, death will come for us, even though we refuse to mention its name out loud.
We avoid speaking of it, as if ignoring the elephant in the room will make it leave.
I keep meaning to update my will, my power of attorney, and all the other documents I should leave neatly done to make things easier on my loved ones, but somehow I never quite get there.

I tell myself I’m busy, and life gets in the way.
Is it life, or self protection?
Or, am I trying unconsciously to stave off the inevitable by not managing these eventualities?

I remember another Christmas when I woke at 3:23, knowing inside without a doubt someone had some to say goodbye.
I didn’t get confirmation for nearly a week, but I had been right.
They had died in the early hours of that Christmas morning. I was touched they stopped to say goodbye.

But I remember other Christmas mornings.
Trying to sneak down the hall to catch a glimpse of Santa, then falling asleep on the couch in front of the tree, lulled by the sparkling lights and dozing off into fairyland.
Knowing the day ahead would be so exciting with its presents, and people, and games.

I remember the exhilarating experience of opening gifts at my grandma and grandpa’s house on Christmas Eve—early!— after a supper of ham, scalloped potatoes, and Swedish meatballs. Dessert was all the dainties you could stomach, then we’d pack into the car and head down the road to Christmas Eve services.

I remember my dad’s voice raised up high, marveling at how rich it sounded. I wondered then, if life had been different, would he have been a singer instead?

But music, math, mechanics, and Medicine are all linked. Maybe we all become what we were meant to be.

I’ve always yearned for knowledge, wanting to learn everything. Words have given me the most amazing gifts, and Christmas break was always spent reading everything I could.
My early journals were attempts at writing my own thoughts, and onto blank white pages I poured out my confusion, loneliness, and deepest, darkest heart’s desires.

Now I’ve come full circle, and once again I’m living in the town that, for better or worse, is where I belong.
Nowhere else in all my roaming ever felt that way; no other city, province, or country.
It’s not flashy, or fancy, or special, but it’s where I live, where I belong, and now, my children too may one day say the same thing.

My ancestors are buried here. Those I loved, and those I never had a chance to meet.
And as I wait in the silent darkness, the Christmas lights twinkle from the corner of my eye.

With the same sense of conviction you only have in those early minutes of a day, I know without any doubts I truly don’t need anything for Christmas, because everything I need is already here.
The greatest gifts can’t be bought or sold, but they can be shared.

Merry Christmas.